Ask a Witch - Witchy Update - July/August 2008

"My husband is not a bad person, it's just that I think somewhere out there is someone better suited for him—we are very different in many ways, and I can no longer pretend to be happy and totally in love with him. My question is, where does the Wiccan religion stand on this type of problem? Is there some way of handling this without hurting him? I need to know that I am not doing the wrong thing as far as the tradition goes…can you help me?"—Trudy

Dear Trudy,

You asked a witch, and many, many witches responded! Here is some of the advice that was sent in to Ask a Witch for you.

Harm None—Including Yourself

"I was in a similar marriage for 5 years. Same thing in all respects except my husband was more traditional Christian-based. I finally realized I could no longer live a lie. I was getting sick all the time from the stress and the unhappiness. I didn't want to hurt him either, but you are harming YOURSELF if you stay in a stagnating, unfulfilling relationship! He was very hurt, but he knew we weren't right for each other either. End of the story...he is remarried to a lovely woman who is more suited to him and I am wonderfully happy living alone, living my spirituality and in a much more loving relationship. Best to you."—Genna

"I am just beginning my studies of the Craft, but from what I've learned so far, the Universe tends to tell you things and lead you in the right direction, and it sounds as though you two just were not meant to be together forever. It may hurt at first, but given time, you both will heal, and he will find someone that can follow on a closer path to his. The Rede may say 'harm none,' but sometimes it just has to happen for the greater good. Good luck to you and I wish you well!"— Autumn Wind, South Carolina

"Your question of loving another while being married is not something to take lightly. I do not think that there is an easy answer to this as each situation is very different. The answer is to go very deeply within and search for your real feelings about your husband and the other man. If you are very sure, you must make a decision. Do not just let it hang or the decision will be made for you. Try to remember, do as you will but harm none. In this situation, harm will be done, even if you decide to remain with your husband. You may be harming yourself if you deny your own feelings. If you leave your husband you will be harming him, by causing pain. However, staying with him and loving another is also harmful to your husband, as well as yourself. Your husband has a chance to find his soul mate if you leave him. There is no answer that will come from outside of you. A Witch looks to herself (himself) for these kinds of answers as no one else can possibly know."—B

Spell Suggestions

"This (for me) is not nearly as hard as one would make it...Having been born a witch and raised a witch I may look at it differently, but here goes. My solution: Call your husband's perfect mate for him and allow him to go into the relationship with your blessings! Works EVERY TIME. If you are not that person (his perfect mate) then she will appear for him, provided that you and he are 'done' with the lessons between you… Make sense? Been there.... Done That!"—Cloaked One

"I have found that some Botanicas carry oils named "SHIFTING SANDS" and "SEPARATING" that are not that extreme. It helps remove attachments from relationships and lets the other party drift away peacefully. If you use it on a white candle or a blue candle (while writing on the candle with a new needle the two names and that you want them to separate), it works every time without malice. I'm used to breakups. I've had crazy men that wouldn't take no for an answer. It's worked over and over again. Great for people who overstay their welcomes in your life too."—Tonya

Be Prepared for Soul Searching

"Unfortunately sometimes life presents us with questions that can't be neatly answered by whatever religion we practice. I'm unsure what our religion would tell us in this particular situation. And everyone else that responds to this question will have their own interpretation. From what you say you've been unhappy for quite some time and it seems like you feel you have to move on.

Rather than asking what our tradition says about this, I feel you need to look inside your heart and think long and hard about what is best for you. Does your soul mate also practice Wicca? Does he know that you do? If not, that may present an issue down the road. You are right, you will wind up 'hurting' your husband if you go through with this, but if that's what you feel you need to do, then do so. Be prepared to deal with a lot of grief, anger, resentment and denial while the divorce is finalized. I had a woman friend a few years ago in a similar situation and when I saw her a year ago she seemed to be much happier now that she was out of the relationship. Good luck to you."—Todd

Reconsider the Situation

"It is not possible to avoid hurting someone when leaving them for someone else. It is very likely the husband would be hurt. First, it breaks trust and creates suspicion and resentment. Two, Wicca is not a justification or excuse to hurt someone, lie, cheat, steal. The tenet is the same in all religions—do unto others as you would have them do to you. Would this woman want her husband to leave her for another woman? Not likely. I think she needs to give this a serious reconsideration. You can't use your religion to justify your bad actions. The lady could try to resuscitate her relationship because it was a good one, had nothing wrong in it, and the husband knows her. Or be honest and attempt a heart-to-heart talk, and if she does leave him, she may discover the new guy is a jerk and that her husband was the better guy. If she goes for the new guy, leaves him, then gets disappointed by the new man, she won't be able to go back to her husband who is hurt and betrayed and may be crying in the arms of a sympathetic woman and no longer interested in his wife. So, in all, it would be a bad idea, but that's just me. Wicca's tenet is an it harm none, do what you will."—Spiderwitch

"You failed to mention if you have children or not. That would be a very important factor in your decision to break up a marriage just because you have 'found my soul mate.' Children should always be considered first and foremost, as a divorce is very harmful to children. If you think this isn't so, you are incorrect. However, if there are no children involved, do what you wish."—Anonymous

Trudy, the bottom line is that in Wicca we believe every person is responsible for his or her own actions. No one can tell you what to do, or what you should do. There is no priest here who is going to tell you you'll burn in hell for cheating or divorcing! You do have a lot of introspection and soul-searching to do on your own, but I hope that some of this advice was helpful in pointing you towards your decision.