Night of the Living Earth Sign: A Virgo Witch vs. the Zombie Apocalypse

Virgo Witch is hitting shelves this month, which is beyond exciting, and I'm extremely proud of the work that the authors and contributors put into it. As comprehensive as we tried to make the book, though, I'm worried that we overlooked a crucial aspect of the Virgo archetype—namely, Virgo's ability to survive the Zombie Apocalypse.

On paper, this might seem like a weird thing with which to concern myself. But it's something I think about a lot, especially since the online spaces I haunt are frequently rife with discussions of both astrology and zombies, and sometimes the impact one has on the other. For instance, I recently came across a TikTok video ranking the zodiac signs on how well they would fare during the Zombie Apocalypse… and Virgo came in dead last.

"HOW VERY DARE," I shouted at my phone, startling everyone else in line at Marshalls. Because here's the thing the survival theorists don't realize when they bag on us: Virgos have been quietly preparing for the Zombie Apocalypse ever since we saw the 2004 remake of Dawn of the Dead.

Those of us born under Virgin stars watch zombie movies as if they're training films, making note of the common pitfalls and planning around the tropes. We never stopped stockpiling N95 masks, and since we're fully aware that current zombie lore suggests the infection will be fungal in nature, we've got gallons of antimicrobials at the ready. And if anyone you know is going to own a flamethrower, which they legally obtained from a reputable supplier because they figured it might come in handy one day, it's going to be a Virgo.

Virgos are often regarded as the most neurotic of the signs, and our penchant for anxiety is near legendary. But this perceived weakness will actually be our greatest strength when zombies are running amok. Because when people who don't normally experience anxiety get thrown into anxious situations, the unexpected panic makes them panic even worse. But Virgos are so used to living with anxiety that the literal end of the world would feel like a regular Tuesday to us.

Look, when the undead start shambling from their graves, Libra will be yelling about how the apocalypse doesn't apply to them, and Aries will accidentally shoot the other survivors and then throw their gun at the zombies. Meanwhile, Virgo will be safe and snug in their fortified shelter, cataloging their looted nonperishables and sending Scorpio out on search-and-destroy missions.

Unfortunately, Virgo will probably not be the last sign standing when the apocalypse comes to a close. But they will do everything in their power to keep everyone else alive and kicking, and that's going to go a long way once society collapses. Let's look at a few of the additional pros and cons of being a zombie-dodging Virgo machine.

Pro: Wetworks
I'm just going to go ahead and get this one out of the way first: Virgos will absolutely kill the bitten before they turn. Yes, it's a dirty job, but it's one that must be done correctly. And yes, we're all going to miss Aunt Mildred, but if we keep her around long enough for the tearful goodbyes or whatever, we'll hamper our chances of escape—better to just make it a clean break and cross her off our holiday mailing list. Plus, she was never going to give us the recipe for her prize-winning lemon bars, and we've always had a resentment about that.

Pro: Adaptability
As mutable signs, Virgos will acclimatize to not only the environments in which we find ourselves, but to the roles we must play in those environments. Oh, the abandoned shopping mall got overrun, and now we have to go live in the caves? Not a problem: Virgo preemptively ransacked the Eddie Bauer outlet and has flannels for everyone. Malnutrition starting to set in? Not on Virgo's watch: They once developed an irrational fear of scurvy and have kept vitamin C supplements on their person ever since. Cancer and Pisces triggering each other into nervous breakdowns? Consider it managed: Virgo has a dazzling array of counseling techniques at their disposal, gleaned from years of self-diagnosing themselves with personality disorders.

Pro: Someone Has to Be in Charge
Virgos never set out to be leaders—we just end up in leadership positions once everyone else realizes that we're willing to handle paperwork. But this will work to our advantage in the early days of the dystopian future. Our organizational skills will shine, and we'll have supply distribution chains and daily task lists in place before the other survivors have even fully processed that they can't go to Starbucks anymore. And granted, our anal-retentive style of command may not be to everyone's tastes, but our administration will definitely be remembered for its efficiency and surprisingly low number of casualties.

It is worth pointing out that if someone else decides to take over, Virgo won't put up a fight. They will, however, get passive-aggressive as all hell when the new leader makes a critical mistake, and the moldering hordes come bursting through the windows. Virgo's last words will inevitably be, "I told you so."

Con: The Martyr/Savior Complex
At some point, your plucky band of survivors will find itself cornered, with a writhing mass of zombies blocking off all exits. But if there's a Virgo in your group, you will undoubtedly make it through. You'll just be, you know, down one Virgo afterwards.

If a decoy is necessary, Virgo will make a bunch of noise to attract the zombies' attention and then run screaming into the sunset. If explosives are required, Virgo will forcibly volunteer to stay behind and set them off. There will be no talking Virgo out of this—in fact, Virgo has put way too much time and effort into thinking about what they would do in a situation like this, and they've got a brief but very moving farewell speech locked and loaded. And if anyone does try to convince Virgo to stay with the group, Virgo will be like, "Wait… do you not think I can do this? Geez, what if I can't? Maybe I'm really not good enough…" and then the zombies will pounce, and it will be the worst all-you-can-eat buffet ever.

Seriously, just let Virgo be Virgo and help everyone else get away. Virgo is going to be adamant about sacrificing themself, because—and I hate so much to admit this—Virgo got bitten. And Virgo got bitten because of one, tragic, fatal flaw, which is…

Con: Our Terrible, Terrible Dating History
In almost every zombie movie, there's the shifty, overconfident character who gets bitten early on but refuses to tell anyone. And the other characters are always like, "Are… are you sure you didn't get bitten?" but the first character always swears that it's allergies or eczema or something.

Now, you would think that Virgo would take one look at this obvious liability and rev up the chainsaw, but in fact, it would be the opposite: Virgo will gaze upon this sweating, twitchy Aquarius (because, y'all, it's clearly an Aquarius) with their barely-concealed bandages and one bloodshot eye, and Virgo will think, "I can fix him."

We'll miss you too, Virgo. Here's hoping that you and Aunt Mildred can reconcile in the next life.