"Will I ever find closure?"

The search for closure: after a loss, hurt, or disappointment, a person grieves. Alongside that grief is a nagging, cloying feeling that follows us around. We move through our days trying to function with the weight of our loss on us, and so often we find ourselves confessing to others, "I just want closure."

As a Tarot reader, "Will I get closure?" is one of the most common questions I am asked.

The identity of closure is as varied as the people who crave it—it is subjective, unique to the person that wants it. There is no objective meaning of closure.

For some, closure is an answer to a "why:" Why did they die? Why did they leave? Why did the community fall apart? For others, it's being witness to "karmic" retribution: The chance to see someone suffer in the way that we suffered at their hands. And for some, it's an understanding of a greater purpose to the loss: The pain is too thick, the loss too potent for it to be random chance. There must be some greater, destiny-aligned reason for the lost to have taken place.

But truly, few of us will ever get closure in the way that we want it. We may never have the chance to directly ask our former lover why they left…or be able trust an answer even if we did get it. Sure, the person who hurt us may suffer greatly at some point…but will we be there to witness it? We could get a hundred different readings on the grand destiny of purpose of someone's passing away too young…but would that only confuse us further?

Even if we can get an honest answer out of the lover, be witness to the hurt of someone who harmed us, or have the Gods physically and fully appear before us to give us the exact truth of the destiny of someone's untimely passing…would that truly obliterate our suffering?

No. We would still suffer. We would still grieve.

Having closure is a crucial part of a person's healing process. Unfortunately, seeking closure outside of ourselves can delay our healing. If our own closure is dependent on getting "the truth" from another person, witnessing what we feel is righteous retribution, or having a full-on manifestation of a god who can tell us what we want to hear, we are unlikely to ever have it.

Closure comes from within. If we want to have it, we must create it.

This is especially true when a situation doesn't allow for true closure. Let's say a friend ghosts you. You don't know why they suddenly vanished from your life, and you can't ask them as they've blocked you on social media and don't respond to your texts. When you ask your mutual friends for insight, they simply shrug. Eventually, you'll need to accept that, unfair as it may be, you won't get an answer as to why they stopped being your friend. If you want closure on this situation, you'll need to create it.

A pre-practice (consider building this exercise into your spiritual practice, e.g., doing this work during a visit to your altar, during a bedtime meditation, or on an intentional walk through the park or woods):

Describe the closure that you seek. Don't put it in the form of a question, nor try to justify why you want this information. This work is about exploring what closure means to you, not defending your reasons for wanting it.

Your closure descriptions may look like this:
"I want to know why they ghosted me."
"I want to know what they think of me."
"I want them to understand how deeply they hurt me."

Now, include a "because" with each phrase. Try to be as honest with yourself as possible.

"I want to know why they ghosted me…because I was a good friend and deserved better than that."
"I want to know what they think of me…because I need to understand why they left." "I want them to understand how deeply they hurt me…because if they knew how deeply they'd hurt me, they'd be sad and sorry and would suffer in the way that I suffered."

If you struggle with a "because," try creating a fantastical one:
"I want to know why they ghosted me...because ghosts are already aplenty and we don't need any more and they know that boo."
"I want to know what they think of me...because the parallel-universe me already knows and I feel left out."
"I want them to understand how deeply they hurt me…so they'll turn back time and undo the hurt they did and we'll be friends forever."

Whether concrete or fantastical, offer these closure descriptions to your higher power(s) or spirit allies, with the intention, "I crave understanding." Make note of dreams, synchronicities, or other revelations that come to you in the following days. You may find that different facets of understanding come your way.

The following is a follow-up exercise that may prove helpful. In my book, Sacred Tears, I provide an exercise for exploring a story without an ending. Here is an abbreviated version.

Here, devise three different stories for why your loss happened:

1. A realistic version
2. A possible, but highly unlikely version
3. A fantastical version

For an example, let's stick with the friend ghosting situation:

1. Realistic version: "They ghosted me because they got super busy with work."
2. Possible, but highly unlikely version: "They ghosted me because they decided to hitchhike across the country without telling anyone and are currently writing a memoir."
3. Fantastical version: "They ghosted me because they were eaten by an ogre."

Write each of these endings on three separate pieces of paper. In your ritual space, or during your Magickal working time, one at a time, embrace each piece of paper to your chest. Focus on embracing the possibility. Then, one by one, destroy the pieces of paper.

Now, on a new piece of paper, write down the truth you know about the situation, as well as what you do not know about it. Example: "Someone I once called a friend does not call or speak to me. I do not know why someone I once called a friend does not call or speak to me."

Hold this piece to your chest and embrace it as the only truth you have, which is in the not-knowing. Repeat the following:
"I know this truth. I accept this truth. I will never know the full mystery of this truth. I accept that I will never know the full mystery of this truth."

This working may need to be done several times, even years later. Closure doesn't happen in one ritual. It's not a snip and release of something that held us back. It's more of an unwinding of a tightly wrapped wire around an object. It takes time, and work. But creating our own closure is a brilliant step toward healing.

Remember this: Closure does not have to include "approving" of what happened to us. It's not automatically saying, "Water under the bridge…never happened." It's also not necessarily saying, "It's okay. I'm over it."

Closure is an act of acceptance: acceptance that we lost, that we were harmed, that some things will never come back, that some answers will never be known. It happens on our terms and under our own definitions. But it does not happen when we place it in the hands of other people or in specific circumstances.

To find closure, we must create it on our own. And once we do, we are one step closer to peace.